Betwixt and Between

East & West
...

Coming from Asia and living in Europe, I see the world, and view myself through unique lenses.

I am often pulled between diverse sets of cultural and social structures. I am often lost in between different ideologies and philosophies. I am often pulled between the social roles and responsibilities that I have back home and in Europe.

I feel lost in between as I am unsure of where I belong in the spectrum. Yet, the betwixt & between makes me unique.

Chaos & Order
...

My life, my world, and especially my family are full of surprise and chaos. Meanwhile, I try my best to create orders. Controlling the uncontrollable is demanding and challenging. Uncertainty, surprises, and chaos are not necessarily negative.

So, when and how should I create order and structure? and when should I just let it be and embrace the chaos?

Where am I?
What am I in between?

This is a liminal space for sensemaking. Liminal space itself is about betwixt & between, to dive deep into this space of conflict and uncertainty helps me understand where I am positioned in between different structures and paradigms. (Note. There are no positive or negative connotations of each side)

I reflect and analyze what I feel like I'm in between. I also attach a film or literature that I love and sympathize with. These art pieces capture the feelings of conflict and Betwixt & Between. Thus, whenever I feel the need to process such feelings, I could view and relate to these stories.

Normal & Queer
...

Normal here refers to heteronormality, which is normal for where I am from.

Even though I identify as a proud gay man in Europe, I am silent about my sexual identity back home. Coming from a homophobic environment, I am forced to conform to heteronormality. Living in a liberal environment, and understanding the issue by heart, I embrace my queerness.

I am proud of being queer while afraid of being gay. I am torn between whether to keep 'acting normal', or to be open about my queerness.

Reality & Responsibilities
...

I often regard myself as a responsible person. Because of the “Structural obligations” of the social structure that is embodied in my thinking, I not only feel responsible for myself, but also for my family, for my loved ones, for society, etc. Meanwhile, the reality is that I am not capable of being responsible for everything and everyone.

But what will happen to my loved ones if I don't take on my responsibilities? and how less of a burden I would have if feel less responsible for everyone. As such, I am torn in-between my social role and responsibility, and my reality. chaos?

A film that relates to this feeling :

Lost In Translation (2003)

Exploring and discovering for a place, belonging in the world in which we don't belong, automatically.

A book that relates to this feeling :

On the Road - Jack Kerouac

Road as liminal space for
discovering self.
In between normality and disorder,
in between civilization and wild,
Where do we belong?

A film that relates to this feeling :

Moonlight

Moonlight is a symbol of the inner self and symbolizes the liminal space where we innate our truth and desire.

The struggle of identity captured in Moonlight is realistic, painful, and extremely relatable to me.

A film that relates to this feeling :

Greenbook

Trying to change how black and queer people are viewed by society. The reality was that prejudice can't be changed by one man overnight.