In the present, if anyone were to ask me now 'who are you?' I would present this CV. But if anyone were to ask me why this CV? I would not be able to answer.
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Some questions I have to ask myself to enter the liminal space:
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Is this CV a true representation of who I am?
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Why do I define my identities with only my achievements?
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Do I find meaning in everything I did on this CV?
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Is this who you want to be?
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What's next, and who do you want to become?
Entering the liminal space:
Construction of self and identity
Who am I?
Where am I?
What am I?
Who do I want to become?
Growing up, I wasn’t given the tools to think about these questions (on the left), nor was I encouraged to reflect on them. Why is this? Reviewing my past, I can think of some reasons.
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Coming from a traditional patriarchal family in a collectivist society, instead of Who I ‘want’ to become, it is all about who I ‘should’ become...
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As the only male child in my father’s side of the family, culturally and traditionally, I am expected to pass down the family name and legacy. There is a huge pressure on me to marry, form a family, and conform to heteronormativity...
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Being from Taiwan, identity issues are something that people often do not discuss. Because we are a land of controversy regarding national identity, and thus were taught to avoid questioning identity so that we won't have conflict with self, and others...
In the present, I do not enter this liminal space of understanding my identity
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Because I am not equipped with the ability to do so...
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Because that I was taught to put others' needs over mine...
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Because that I feel trapped and tangled in my current situation so that I fear confronting my current self...
The journey to 'who I am' and 'where I am' today:
Initially, also through Liminal space
• Discovered my queerness during high school. Felt that I do not align with normativity, and questioned the social structures that I am accustomed with...
• Started saving up and backpacked through Southeast Asia, met people from all around the world, saw different ways of life. This is the first time I can entering a liminal space, being in these foreign countries all by myself, I can forget who I am told to be, and my social responsibilities...
• Save up funds, left everything behind, made up my own mind to study in the Netherlands. It felt liberated and free in the beginning, I jumped right into it...
• As time goes by, the reality hits. I see more and more events and trauma linking me to my hometown...
• This is when the conflict starts. Perhaps I was naive to think that I could just leave everything behind, create a whole new life and identity. In reality, I have not processed and think about my identity, the way I live in the past, and the present...
• As the feeling of conflict, and more and more responsibility and stress hit, I shift away from understanding myself, my needs...